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01:44am 16/02/2010
  Cynicism isn't wisdom, it's a lazy way to say that youive been burned
It seems, if anything, you'd be less certain after everything you ever learned

- nana grizol
reflecting, letting thoughts pour out   
03:56am 19/01/2010
mood: pensive
can't sleep. life is moving too quickly, again. how did i get here again? it's been nearly a year since i left orlando. a year since graduation; a year since i picked up and left. why again? only a year. a whole year. and what a year. just this summer feels like lifetimes away. who can even remember what november held? the year is marked by events. the move, berkeley, DC, 1344, spring retreat, visits, santa cruz, new york, more visits, the summit, chicago, austin, miami, full time gig and hours of desks, darts at shamrock, bloomington, fall retreat, cracking my skull, ct scans mris packing, the move. dolores park, pancho villa, zeitgeist, stocking shelves, cards, ocean beach, knitting, a billion tacos, a zillion phone calls. this year felt like ten. why did i go, and why did i leave? why am i here, only to leave again so soon?

it's a bit late to begin an '09 reflection. but this year is already getting away from me, i suppose, in the best possible way. in exploring, in beaches, in beans and rice. in plans and caught glances. why was i so happy yesterday? how can i possibly live with my friends spread so far, only to see each other, what? once a year, twice? why think of this now. i guess this is what my time here is for. i need to be more intentional about how i spend that time, or it will all get away from me. and orlando. oh, orlando. if only i could go back without it all being pens and empty glasses, blankets and leaves strewn on the floor. if you go back, you know, expecting it to be the same, it won't be and you'll be disappointed. your tree will be there, your chair, but not the moment. you will have walked and sat and rode and walked back, it will be dark and shadowy.

i want to stay everywhere i go. i want to be rooted again. i hate to disappoint, but i'm not made for this. i hate to disappoint and i'm not made for this. i need a base, i need a crew. i miss my friends whenever they're not around. what's the solution? that's what we've been grappling with. do you reject the past, immerse yourself in a place, and find ways to be happy? i don't; i can't. there's that eternal thread, connecting me to a handful of places i'll never live.

and then i start to miss all night paper writing in the library, laughing fits and speed reading. infuriating meetings and long drives. monday night tv in that house that felt like home with dinner every time. the way i always breathe in the cold behind the warm fall air. the gold of the slanted light. and i have been insanely happy lately. no longer steeled against memory, i spose. letting it wash over me and recede. i am frightened to forget.

so now i will start keeping track of the days again. i will read and write, i will knit. i will organize, sort through, rearrange. i will write letters. i will swim and see doctors. i will have visits and long talks, meaningful walks. and when i leave, i will miss home.

don't let this scare you; i'm not getting lost.
the coldest winter i ever had...   
01:28pm 05/11/2009
mood: caffeinated
thanks, Mark Twain, your words of wisdom ring true. but! who knew that october is san francisco's summer? answer: probably everyone who lives here. exception: me. just a few days into november, and it's already starting to get cloudy/foggy/cold/ominously dark again. october's weather was a blessing. it remains my favorite month, even on this coast.

so i am moving. the final destination is uncertain, but i'm out of here on december 19, and i'll hopefully be traveling between miami and austin and doing my thang/not working until the beginning of february. there's no rush in figuring it out, i guess, and i kind of want to not have a plan for the first time in my life. i must say, i am reeeeeally excited for winter in the South. and for sunshine. i know after a month and a half of this cold drear, i'm going to be dying for some beach-the-day-after-christmas weather.

i'm sad that i didn't get around this coast much [at all], and will hopefully at least semi-rectify that before i go. i've got thanksgiving free, and rideshares exist all over. i really, really want to get to vancouver before december, but i can't imagine that happening. tickets at this time of year are ballsass expensive, and it's a long ride. we'll see what comes up.

as for the near future, i'm excited.
11:03pm 22/10/2009
  i haven't written in a long time. oops. there are a lot of things i haven't done, really. i have a stack of clothes that need patching (though i did get through half of it), a stack of zines that need reading, and a stack of letters that deserve responses. i'm trying to learn how to do what i want when i want to do it, rather than wasting time on the internet (this doesn't count), or hanging out when i would rather be doing other things.

there's a lot i want to do with my days, and work really gets in the way. i'm trying to make the most of my time outside of the office, trying to figure out how to turn off my work brain. i can't wait to not work again. really, i can't wait.

san francisco is beautiful in october. i wanna hang out and craft in the sunshine!
upon leaving Miami   
03:32pm 04/09/2009
  while i was in miami, i pulled my record player out of the closet and got to listen to albums that i hadn’t heard in the better part of a year. American Football and Jason Anderson got played over and over. they are just too fitting. and now, sadly, i don’t have either on my computer. that shall be rectified.

someday i’ll post more than lyrics, but, for now, they speak to my feelings infinitely more than i ever could. this song is appropriate to leaving both austin and miami. at the end of my trip, this is how i feel.

i’m thinking about
and how i should say
with a handshake
or an embrace
a kiss on the cheek
or possibly all three

well maybe i’ve been wrong
maybe my intentions
are irrelevant
but honestly it’s just not for me
we’ve both been so unhappy
so let’s just see
what happens
when the summer ends
how i feel about being in Miami   
10:51am 29/08/2009
mood: uncertain
My city is still breathing,
But barely, its true
Through buildings gone missing like teeth
The sidewalks are watching me think about you
Sparkled with broken glass

I’m back with scars to show
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here

The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand
The strangers whose faces I know
We meet here for our dress rehearsal to say
I wanted it this way

Wait for the year to drown
Spring forward,
Fall back down;
I’m trying not to wonder where you are

All this time
Lingers undefined
Someone choose
Who’s left and who’s leaving

Memory will rust and erode into lists
Of all that you gave me
A blanket, some matches,
This pain in my chest
The best parts of lonely

Duct tape and soldered wires,
New words for old desires
And every birthday card I threw away

I wait in 4/4 time
Count yellow highway lines
That you’re relying on to lead you home
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things i see   
12:56am 09/08/2009
mood: busy brain
the big ol' moon out one window
crit silhouetted, behind the curtain, on the sill of another
darkened treetops through the third

i love laying in my bed with the windows open, the filmy curtains drawn, in those last alert moments before i give in, with a roll to one side, and stretch into sleep.
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and we know who we should love, but we're never certain how   
02:03am 26/07/2009
  i've been posting to aliopolis.wordpress.com exclusively for the past few months.

i haven't been very prolific, or writing with as much consistency as i'd like, but i'm working on it. i think i might start cross posting, just because i like keeping up with people through this medium as well.

in other news, i had my first quasi-lesson in knitting today. zach, shelley, and i checked out this yarn store in my neighborhood, and it came up that they both knit and i don't, and i do want to learn. i don't do much of anything, when it comes to hobbies or crafts or whatevs, but that's changing. there are things i want to cultivate. i think i took to it pretty quickly, considering my hands don't usually do what i tell them to with much stability. so fear of failure, take that. you shall be conquered by my resolve to develop sum skillz.

tomorrow = rainbow trip, cooking, writing.
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03:09am 13/04/2009
  so i'm down and so i'm out
but so are many others.
so i feel like tryin' to hide
my head neath these covers

life is like the seasons,
after winter comes the spring
so i'll keep this smile awhile
and see what tomorrow brings.

i've been told and i believe
that life is meant for livin'
so even when my chips are low
there's still some left for givin'
i've been many places
maybe not as far as you
so i think i'll stay awhile
and see if some dreams come true.

there isn't much that i have learned
through all my foolish years
fxcept that life keeps running in cycles
first there's laughter, then those tears.

but i'll keep my head up high
although i'm kind of tired

so i'll keep on tryin' to sing
but please, just don't ask me how.
11:25pm 24/03/2009
  Through the corridors of sleep
Past the shadows dark and deep
My mind dances and leaps in confusion.
I don’t know what is real,
I can’t touch what I feel
And I hide behind the shield of my illusion.

So I’ll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend with the rainfall.

The mirror on my wall
Casts an image dark and small
But I’m not sure at all it’s my reflection.
I am blinded by the light
Of god and truth and right
And I wander in the night without direction.

It’s no matter if you’re born
To play the king or pawn
For the line is thinly drawn between joy and sorrow,
So my fantasy
Becomes reality,
And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow.

So I’ll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And flowers never bend with the rainfall.
10:32am 19/03/2009
mood: alert
of course i neglect to write about the busiest, most interesting, or maybe just the most tumultuous, times in life.

i'm in san francisco, i have a place to live now. and a bed! i'll write more later but, for now, this is really what i'm up to:

"I'm learning how to be alone without be lonely,
learning how to be lonely without losing my mind"
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appropriate 90s throwback   
05:35pm 16/12/2008
mood: amused
can i graduate?

can i graduate!
can i look in faces that i meet
can i get my punk ass off the street
i've been living on for so long

can i graduate
to the bastard talking down to me
your whipping boy calamity
cross your fingers, i'm going to knock it all down

can i graduate
echo fading, we can't let go
she goes walking by in slow mo
sell your heart out for a buck
go on fade out before i get stuck
talking to somebody like you
do you live the days you go through
will this song live on long after we do

can i graduate
can i graduate
can i graduate
can i graduate
can i graduate

apparently, yes, i can!
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oh christmas tree   
07:04pm 02/12/2008
  i'm trying to do my Toni Morrison paper, i swear, i really am, but i keep getting distracted by how nice this is:

i cleaned the place up a bit so it's not grimey, alyse's christmas tree is up with beautiful lights and skull, the weather is wonderful, i'm in pajamas, and crit crit is asleep next to my hip. the light from the tree and the temperature in the room, along with little crit's company, is making this a really cosy evening.

good thing i'm comfortable, because i have two papers to write!

EDIT: this kitten thinks my body is simultaneously her toy and her bed.
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08:12pm 16/11/2008
  eek, haven't been on here in a long time.

i've been a kind of homemaker this weekend. having the kitten to take care of, i've literally not left the house this weekend since my work seminar on friday afternoon. i kind of have cabin fever, but it's been pretty restive. i've spent a lot of time with phil and i've gotten some homework done. even though i have to wake up twice during the night, i've been getting a lot of sleep. i've also been eating well - at the end of the week i got a huge craving for fresh things, so i got a bunch of veggies and fruits. i haven't eaten any of my fallback foods either, which is nice - i was getting sick of the same old thing.

now i need to work on a paper proposal that's due tomorrow. :/ i'm finally ready to graduate, though i know i'll miss it.
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07:29pm 10/10/2008
  cheesy song that i love and heard randomly today...pretty appropriate. i'm excited to see friends i miss at the Fest.

do you remember all the things we did,
and what it's like to be a kid?
being young and skipping school,
i guess we must have broken every rule.

i never thought those times would last forever,
but now that they're gone
i'm pretty sure we grew up way too fast.

i've had my wishes on a star
i hope that yours came true.
now all i've got is a memory of you.

not a worry in, not a worry in, not a worry in the world

i remember when you moved away,
you promised me that you'd be back one day,
but times have changed and so have i,
it sucks that friendships end
with a goodbye.

i never thought that friendships last forever.
but now that you're gone
i'm pretty sure we end up all the same.
still i won't say goodbye.
won't ever say goodbye.
and know that: i'll always be your friend.
11:10pm 28/09/2008

i just want to go to the beach!
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08:42pm 13/09/2008
  in the evenings fall is in the air. i can't wait for it to creep in a little more. i haven't posted in a while - life has been, hectic, busy, frantic. i hope things slow down. it seems like whenever i'm busy i'm missing out on fun, and i'm always busy, so i'm always missing out!

aside from feeling schizo, every thing of my life is good. eco-advocates has a ton of new folks and all of our leadership roles have been filled by new people! they're great and i'm really excited about the way the group is growing. i start back at the writing center on monday, we had all day training for the new consultants to day - it was pretty fun, considering it was a whole saturday. :O i'm already behind on schoolwork, which is taking too long to catch up on.

11:20pm 26/08/2008
mood: tense
i'm bored with myself. bear with me. i'm having a hard time making a decision about classes this semester and need to write it out.

so i'm definitely taking Toni Morrison, a major authors course where we will read all of her novels except Tar Baby, a critical essay on each novel, a book of interviews with her, and a book of theory that she wrote. we'll do 7 response papers, online discussions, class presentations, a critical research paper, and a final exam. i'm also definitely taking Girl's Studies, where we're reading two medium length books of essays (i believe - maybe one of essays and one of theory? unsure) and Are you there God, it's me, Margaret. i'm not sure of the assignments because we haven't gotten the syllabus yet.

now i need to decide between these two:

i'm enrolled in both Shakespeare Studies and Eighteenth Century Studies: The Gothic Novel.
i need to take one more pre-1865 course to graduate and these both fulfill that requirement. i much prefer contemporary literature. so my initial thoughts are: i've always claimed to hate Shakespeare. balls to him. but i do acknowledge that it's a classical cornerstone blah blah etc. so i've heard great things about the professor - she curses and is funny, and the course load seems/is much lighter. maybe taking this class will give me some sort of appreciation for him, but maybe i'll end up regretting that i wasted one of my last college courses on an easy class on a subject that didn't particularly interest me (and when i know a class is easy i never try as much). in Shakespeare we're to read six plays, some sonnets, write two short papers, do reading questions and online discussion, and complete a final project. for Gothic Novel we're to read six novels, write two 5-6 pg papers, one 11-12 page papers, one five page (single spaced) abstract, five 1 page abstracts, and take five quizzes.

so the issue is i'm already taking one particularly intense course and another that will probably be (we'll see tomorrow) and i'm starting a second job. i'll probably be working 25-30 hours/week and i've never worked that much during the semester so i don't know how it will be. not to mention hours of activism.

i think Gothic Novel will be fun and interesting, but i don't want to feel like a sucker when i'm killing myself halfway through the semester. i want my last semester to be fun and i want to have plenty of time to do activism and get eco-advocates ready for me to leave. but i also don't want to feel like i wasted any moment of my last semester on a class that wasn't worth my time or effort.

so the reason i say i'm bored with myself is that, when i consider writing a research paper, i have really low self esteem. i know i can write, but i don't want to be repetitive. i don't want to be a one-trick student, touching on the same points in every class. i don't think i am, but it's a stressful thought.

advice? i'm really stressin this.
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08:33am 21/07/2008
mood: sleepy
yesterday phil and i moved almost all of my worldly possessions into a storage unit. it was tiring, but i could barely sleep because of the excruciating pain in my forearms and wrists. so i woke up very early, ate a bunch of tylenol, and soaked in epsom salts. i'm feeling a good bit better now; i just hope something's not seriously wrong. my guess is that i just never use the muscles in my forearms that much, and my wrists were taking a lot of the weight because of bi/triceps are babies. i've been working on them though! anyway, now i'm going to be sleeping on couch cushions in my empty room. it's actually very comfy.

i decided not to keep my couch (just the love seat), my dresser (because i'll have a bigger closet and it's heavy), or my desk, which is a bulky monster. i plan to live without these things, and it shouldn't be difficult. we'll have wireless in the new place so i won't need my computer hooked into the wall, and that was pretty much the only reason i had a desk. i always do my schoolwork in the library. i'm thinking about taking the couch cushions and making a pillow room in a corner of the living room - something i've always wanted. it can act as extra seating too, and it won't take up as much room. that couch was fucking huge. and broken. i'm hoping i'll want to give away a lot more of my stuff when we move in, after having lived without it for a month, but who knows.

so, anyway, my plan for the few hours before work is to 1. arrange the few things i have left and vacuum out my room, 2. go through my kitchen stuff to consolidate (though i might have to wait on that), 3. get my stuff out of the laundry room, 4. make a pile of things still needing to go to the unit, 5. take a nap
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this will never be our town   
12:03pm 18/07/2008
mood: complacent
i've been really tired lately. i figured it was because i had been sleeping so little, but i slept for nine hours last night and i'm even more tired! my body's probably just saying, "more of that plz!" now it's really time to pack. seriously. phil's room is practically empty and it motivated me.

but first,

things that have been making me happy lately:

.repeat students at the Writing Center
.Lush products
.radical women's health zines
.For Her Own Good, 150 years of "expert's" advice to women (awesome book, plz read)
.short hair
.Dandelion Communitea
.Homegrown Co-op
.Nostalgic pop punk
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